What am I waiting for?
by mrstrekkiemonster
Summary: I have this theory about Cal and Gillian from The Canary's song onwards...
1. Canary's song

_**I have a theory, which will hopefully become clear as you read this…Takes place after season 3 episode 5 right up to the end **__**:(**__**… Hands up who yelled at the tv at the end of The Canary's Song?**_

"I have a question?"

"What's that look mean?"

"Gillian. Do you love her?"

"Course I do darlin', course I love her."

"No, I mean really love her."

"Yeah."

"Then what are you waiting for."

"Cal?"

Her voice pulled him from his thoughts.

"You ok?" she asked "You've been distracted all evening."

Cal rolled over in bed and looked into the eyes of the woman next to him. "I'm fine luv. Just something Emily said."

"Care to share?"

Cal thought for a moment as Emily's words echoed again. What was he waiting for?

He reached out and ran his hand up his lovers body, admiring her naked form before touching her face.

"She asked me if I loved you."

Gillian smiled, the answer written across his face. Even though they had been in a romantic relationship for the past few months, she still found the word love coming from Cal's lips and directed at her hard to believe...

Flashback

"Thank you for cleaning up my mess...Gillian."

Gillian was momentarily taken aback, for two reasons. Firstly he had apologized. Cal Lightman had actually apologized and meant it. Secondly he called by her name, not Foster, Gillian.

"I can't wait for tomorrow."

"Why? What's tomorrow?"

"I get better looking every day."

He stepped towards her, into her space. His face inches from hers, testing to see how drunk she was. The fuzziness in her head disappeared, his lips coming sharply into focus. The alcohol had lowered her guard and the apology had lowered his. He stood in front of her exposed. Everything he felt for her, the gratitude, the respect, the desire, the love, clearly written across his face. A flush formed across her skin and her eyes darkened under his gaze. She felt as though he were staring into her soul, reading her thoughts. Cal's hands moved across her hips and around her back holding her gently yet surrounding her completely. Gillian ran her fingertips lightly across his chest. Her eyes shifted from his lips to his eyes . Electricity crackled between them. He pulled her in closer and she felt her knees weaken. She was sure the alcohol had nothing to do with her shaky legs. It was the intensity of the look in his eyes. Slowly, deliberately he pressed his lips to hers with a kiss that left her in no doubt that this was more than friendship. He moved back to gauge her reaction and to see if she would slap him. She didn't. Instead she followed him, her mouth seeking his. Her arms wound around his neck and her tongue pressed inside his mouth. Cal's hands began to roam her body and a fire began to burn out of control between them. Suddenly he pulled away. Gillian stumbled a little at the loss of contact.

"You're drunk." He informed her as if she was unaware. "Let's get you home."

Gillian's pout turned to a smile as she thought of the possibilities of having him in her house. He held out his hand and she took it letting him lead her out of the building.

Once his car reached her home she gave him a look that said 'what now?'

"Well I can't leave you alone in this state now can I?" he deadpanned.

She slapped his arm but let him follow her inside. Once inside their passion quickly reignited. She led him to her bedroom where they began to remove their clothes. They were down to their underwear when he broke contact again. Going to her bed he climbed in, pulling back the covers and patting the space beside him. Gillian smiled and crawled into his waiting arms. But instead of kissing her again he stroked her hair and said

"Sleep."

Gillian didn't know whether it was the half bottle of scotch or the fact she was touched by his chivalry but instead of disappointment she felt happy. The feeling of being held in his arms was enough for her tonight.

Waking in the morning however was a different story. Cal had used every ounce of self-control he had not to consummate their relationship last night. Gillian awoke to find him watching her, his face a mixture of admiration and uncertainty. She showed no signs that she was surprised he was there or any regrets, still he waited for her to make the first move. She smiled and shifted in his arms, pulling her body flush with his. He reached out touched her cheek gently as though afraid she might break. Her fingers ran up his arm lightly scratching his skin and he shivered under her touch. Cal licked his lips, the anticipation burning like fire in his veins. Her eyes held his and she could feel the effect she was having on him pressing into her. Teasingly slowly Gillian brought her lips to meet his in a kiss full of desire. The moment her lips touched his all of his uncertainty disappeared kissing every inch of her skin, marking her as his own. They spent the rest of the day teasing and holding each other, making love so many times they lost count.


	2. Beyond belief

Their dynamic had changed. To the outside world they were the same, but for Cal and Gillian everything was different. They were closer, in every way possible. She knew how it felt to have him breathing beside her. He knew what it was like to wake up wrapped around her. They had felt that connection you get when you open your eyes in the arms of your lover. She had kissed all of his tattoos and he had touched every inch of her skin. He opened up to her and she had drawn him in. Now instead of taking on a suicide case and running with it alone, he included her. Instead of sitting at the opposite side of his desk when they interviewed clients, she now stood behind it, by his side. And although they had decided to keep quiet about their new relationship for a while longer, their body language and actions definitely outed them as a couple. Of course with any relationship where business and pleasure mixed there was the inevitable power struggle. Cal needing to assert his authority as the alpha male while Gillian needed to show she was still very much her own woman and wouldn't be pushed around. When Cal had yelled at Loker and Torres about going out for coffee he was making sure everyone knew he was the boss. So deliberately Gillian made them go and get the coffee they wanted to prove she was still in control. She headed straight for Cal's office to tell him what she had done and more importantly that they had done as she had said. Cal smirked at her.

"What?" she demanded.

"You've been spending too much time with me luv."

Gillian smiled realising she was just as bad as he was. They were wrestling to be on top and there was nowhere else they would rather be.


	3. Veronica

"What?"

"Nice try but I know your porn face and that's not it."

Cal smiled at how well she knew him and the fact she was supporting him in another personal crusade, this time helping Veronica. He watched her care for the older woman. Gillian's compassion was one of the things he loved most about her. It was the little things, like washing away Charlie's name, that most people wouldn't even think about. When she mentioned Wallowski's name he tried in his own way to tell her she was everything the policewoman wasn't and so much more to him than Wallowski had ever been.

"See the cops would never have thought to do that."

When Gillian crouched by his chair to whisper, it was all Cal could do not to reach out and pull her to him. He'd promised not at the office and besides Veronica was asleep on the couch. Instead he settled for a soft kiss and the promise of something more.

He also promised to tread carefully when he explained his plan to resurrect Bert. Gillian was uncomfortable with his idea but she trusted Cal knowing his more outlandish schemes usually helped to get to the truth. He asked her to try and make Veronica jealous but sitting in that chair together there was no trying necessary. They looked like a couple and felt like a couple. They still hadn't told anyone about their relationship so it felt fantastic to be so open. Cal had to reign himself in, stop himself from kissing the top of her head and stroking her shoulders. Gillian longed to put her hands on Cal's leg and move further into his embrace, but neither wanted to upset Veronica.

Upsetting Gillian however, seemed to come naturally to Cal. He didn't intentionally want to wind her up but when it happened it always thrilled him. She was the only person who truly stood up to him, who wouldn't let him push her around. Besides angry Gillian Foster was very sexy. Standing close to her in that lift he positioned his body towards hers wanting to pin her up against the lift wall and make love to her right there and then.

"You make me so mad sometimes." She told him.

Looking at her then, something more important than the lust moved into his brain. As much as he loved the challenge of arguing with her he loved being with her more and he knew he needed to acknowledge her feelings.

"I know." He acquiesced.

Later after talking with Emily and telling her he was angry with her but still showing his love, Cal went over to Gillian's. He needed her to know that just like Emily what ever happened between them the love was there and although words weren't his strong point he would always find ways to show her. He spent the rest of the evening making it up to her with his actions stalling for time until he could figure out what he was waiting for.


	4. Smoked

Everything was going so well, or as well as things went when Cal Lightman was involved. Then Wallowski showed up on his doorstep. He had to help her but that didn't mean he had to advertise the fact. He was deliberately vague when Gillian had asked him where the case came from and when Wallowski showed up at the office, (so much for keeping a low profile!) he tried to keep the cop and his partner apart. The look Ria gave her boss when he handed her his credit card said it all, but Cal's reasons for not wanting them to be in the same room weren't because he knew Gillian wouldn't approve. He felt guilty. Guilty about lying to Gillian for Wallowski. He'd hated doing that. He hated everything he'd done to hurt Gillian. He didn't want to her to have to come face to face with his past mistakes. He needed to protect her. Especially since things between them were so good now. They were finally getting to where they wanted to be and he didn't want anyone or anything mucking it up. Not when he could manage that perfectly well on his own.

Despite his best intentions Gillian saw right through him, then she always did. She was pissed at him for protecting her and she let a little of her jealousy leak out. Normally she wasn't a jealous woman. She was a what you see is what you get kind of girl and if you didn't like it then it was your loss. But Cal had always been her blind spot. She knew Wallowski was no threat to her but Cal had seen her brief falter and it thrilled him. He couldn't believe his luck.

"You know she's good…I mean she's very good…at what she does." He told her hoping to see her eyes turn green again.

"I wouldn't know." She replied keeping her mask firmly in place.

Still, later Gillian went to the lab to size up her competition and to stare her down. She left Wallowski and Cal in no doubt that Cal was hers.

"You think this is funny do ya?" he asked as Wallowski left the room.

"Do you see me laughing?" she asked never breaking their gaze.

"Your arse off." He replied his eyes shifting to her backside.

Gillian had staked her claim to Cal and it was one of the sexiest things he had ever witnessed.

Now if only he could do the same. Something was holding him back. What the hell was he waiting for? OK one step at a time. First they should tell people they were dating. And as luck would have it Emily afforded him that opportunity to tell that night.

"So does Gillian approve of 'Shazza'?

Cal sat back down at his typewriter and mulled over their conversation. Emily, like Gillian, clearly didn't approve of Wallowski. The fact that Gillian's opinion mattered to Emily made him smile. He pushed the typewriter away from him.

"Sod the book!" he yelled.

Emily stood to reprimand him but he just grinned at her.

"We're having the night off." He told her "But first I have a phone call to make."

Twenty minutes later the doorbell rang and Cal welcomed Gillian into their home.

"Is everything ok?" she asked as he took her coat.

"Fine luv, fine. I just thought it was about time we told the truth."

Gillian looked at him puzzled as he ushered her into the living room.

"Hi Gillian." Emily greeted her looking pleased but slightly confused to see her.

"Hey Em." Gillian replied with the same expression.

They both turned and looked at Cal.

"She thinks I'm with Wallowski." He said pointing his finger at his daughter and delighting in the fact that both Emily and Gillian's noses wrinkled at the mention of the cops name.

Realisation dawned on Gillian's face as she realised what Cal wanted to do. She nodded to him. Emily however was still none the wiser.

"Your Dad isn't seeing Wallowski." Gillian told her.

Emily held up her hands. "Hey it's none of my business. I just think he could do better, that's all." She said looking pointedly at Gillian.

"You're right it is none of your business…"

"Cal!" Gillian admonished. She gave him a look that said 'tell her'.

Emily looked between the adults and then stared at her father waiting for an explanation.

He looked between the two most important women in his life and couldn't find the words to tell one what the other meant to him.

"Oh bloody hell!" he yelled. He grabbed Gillian and pulled her to him in a kiss that literally took her breath away. He held her close as they both looked to Emily for a reaction. Cal couldn't have been happier with what he saw. Emily was beaming and slightly misty eyed. She jumped up from the couch and hugged them both. She kissed her Dad and said.

"Finally!"

Cal grinned "Oi! Cheeky."

"Welcome to the mad house." Emily said to Gillian before turning to leave the room.

"Where are you going?" Cal asked her.

"I'm giving you some time alone." She replied disappearing upstairs calling behind her "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"

"Hey!" he yelled after her.

Cal and Gillian flopped onto the sofa side by side.

"That went pretty well then." Gillian said.

"Yeah." He agreed. He reached across and gently touched his lips to hers. He held her gaze wondering how he could put into words everything he wanted to say to her. He brushed her cheek with his thumb as he said.

"Now you're going to think this a line, and it is but…I mean it. You're good…at what you do…in fact you're the best."


	5. Funhouse

_**Ok. Just in case anyone at Fox still cares and since I'm 'borrowing' some of their dialogue I make the following disclaimer. Lie To Me does not belong to me I'm just playing with it because it makes me happy!**_

_**P.S. Thanks for the reviews so far. Sash Queen of the Jungle my stories are never complete without a review from you! You're a star!**_

He'd tried to make it sound light hearted, just a throwaway comment.

"My Mum was bonkers…back in the day. And the thing that scared me the most, was that it would run in the family. That I'd end up like her."

It sounded like he was sympathizing with Amanda, sharing his own story so she would open up. But to Gillian it was so much more. It was a peek into Cal's soul. And it was happening more frequently when he was with her. A rare and true moment of honesty. It was the beginning of a new phase in their relationship.

She watched him on the monitor pour his heart out to a woman who wasn't there. A woman who had abandoned him and her heart ached for him. She wanted to go to him put her arms around him and tell him it would be alright but her psychology training said that wasn't what he needed. He needed to talk. To vent all of the hurt he'd carried all of these years. Then he could finally begin to heal.

She sat and watched over him until she was satisfied he was safe. Returning in the morning she was startled by his appearance. She was also impressed. She was amazed that in the addled state he was in he could still focus on the reason he was here, to help Amanda's Dad. That was one of the things she admired about him. His single minded determination. That was why, even when she didn't agree with his methods, she would help him because she knew he would get the job done. Still, seeing him this way upset her and even more so when she heard Emily's anguished voice on the phone as the burly staff were carting Cal away

She ran to the phone picking it up and reassuring the girl "He's ok Em. I'm coming."

Emily was waiting in the lobby when Gillian arrived at The Lightman Group. She rushed up to Gillian, concern on her pretty features. Emily listened to Gillian explain the situation thankful for the fact that Gillian told her the facts, treating her like an adult instead of trying to sugar coat things as most people would have done.

"Even if he did do this on purpose how could you let him?" she asked Gillian. Now that they were a proper couple Emily had hoped that Gillian would have a calming influence on her father.

"Em. Come on. Sit down…I know it sounds bad but he's safe."

Emily could see how worried Gillian was and at that moment realised just how much Gillian loved her Dad. Suddenly she felt better as she heard Gillian voice her fears about Cal being under more stress than usual. She felt she had someone to talk to in Gillian. Someone who understood what it was like to worry about him. Emily felt better. She knew that no matter what stupid situations her Dad put himself in, he now had one more reason, other than her to come home.

"Next week it's his birthday." The teenager said hoping to explain Cal's fears.

"Yeah but he always stresses out about that. I mean that's why every year we pretend like it's not even happening."

"Yes but My grandma died when she was 46 and he's turning 47."

Gillian sighed. Of course. How had she not put that together? She supposed that they had been so caught up in their new relationship that they hadn't even thought past becoming a couple. She squeezed Emily's hand grateful that she trusted her enough to tell her.

After things had calmed down and the truth had come out, Gillian gave Cal and Emily some time alone to talk things through. The next night Emily invited her over for dinner then not so discreetly left them alone.

"Doctor Grandon gave me the tapes of you in the hospital." Gillian told him setting her wine glass down on the coffee table and snuggling further into his arms.

"Oh yeah?" he replied trying to sound casual.

"I haven't watched them. I just thought you should know."

"Are you going to?" he asked

Gillian shook her head. "I saw some of what happened but how much of the rest you tell me is up to you."

Cal eyed her suspiciously. "Is that psychobabble for tell me or I'll torture you?" he grinned.

Gillian smiled back but said nothing.

For a while they sat in silence, content to be in each others arms. Gillian was just about to reach for her wine glass when Cal spoke.

"I saw my Dad..."

They talked until the early hours Cal opening up more than ever before. Their relationship entering a new phase of honesty and closeness. Lying wrapped around her in bed that night, Cal felt the beginnings of healing. Maybe he wouldn't have to wait much longer…


	6. Rebound

"I couldn't even get near you when you were on the rebound."

"Maybe you didn't try hard enough."

"Are you saying I had a chance?"

Had he had a chance? Could they have been together since Burns left? Or worse still had he wasted all of this time from the moment she left Alec? So many times Cal had wanted to go after her, tell her how he felt. Like the time he thought Alec was having an affair. He'd wanted to turn around in that corridor go back into her office and just hold her. Tell her, her husband didn't deserve her but then neither did he. So he hadn't turned around. He hadn't held her. He'd upheld the line. Or the time she'd told him that she and Alec were separating. He had struggled to contain his joy so he had made excuses about visiting Torres so he wouldn't act on the alarming need to grab her and kiss her and never let go. What about Burns? Gillian had been devastated when he left although she tried to hide it. Cal had wanted to be there for her like she always was for him but his jealousy wouldn't let him. He hated how she had risked her life and her heart for a man who brought all of the things Cal had been afraid he himself would taint her with.

"Mr Foster?"

Startled from his thoughts Cal looked up to see a smiling Gillian standing in his doorway. She crossed the room and perched next to him on his desk.

"Care to explain?" she asked.

Cal rose from his chair and stood in front of her. "I'm using you as bait. I mean what man could possibly resist you?"

"Bait." Gillian clarified.

"Yeah. You're my evil ex-wife who's bleeding me dry and I'm desperate to get shot of you by palming you off onto another man."

"And I'm sure that I'm the evil one because life with you will have been a bed of roses."

"Of course." Cal wiggled his eyebrows and grinned. "I'm just so loveable."

Gillian swatted his arm. "Yeah, not to mention arrogant, self-absorbed, slightly unhinged…"

Cal pushed his body flush with hers. "Are you calling me sexy?"

Gillian looked into his eyes showing him exactly how sexy she found him. He moved his mouth to hers but before he could kiss her she pushed him away retreating to the other side of his desk enjoying the look of frustration on his face.

"I only find amazing, funny men with interesting minds sexy." She told him as she headed out of his office.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"To find myself a new man." She said winking. "Oh and why Mr Foster?"

"I'm a better liar than you." He answered following her to the door so he could watch her walk away. Truth be told the reason he'd chosen to use her name was exactly that. It was her name. When they had first met he had called her by it to distance himself, remind him she was married but then it became who she was. By using her name even just for a moment it made him feel like hers and it thrilled him.

What didn't thrill him was having to watch Gillian on a date with George. Even though he knew it was all an act it still made him uncomfortable and to make matters worse Loker and Torres were having too much fun watching him squirm. The shame he felt when she talked about his 'sexual A.D.D.' was matched by the surprise when she called him sexy. His emotions were getting in the way and he had to get out of there.

He was happy when the case was finally over. George had got what he deserved although Cal had still been tempted to castrate him. He was even happier when Emily got back from Chicago. He was glad to discover Zoe had a new man. His ex had moved on leaving him free and clear to do the same. When Emily had gone to bed. Cal took out a box of photographs and began sifting through them. He found the particular ones he was looking for. In each of the pictures he took out, Gillian was in the center. She was the focus of the photos and Cal had taken them all.

"There's a language to photographic composition. Framing everything. Tells you what he felt about you."

Cal thought back to his words to Noah. Judging by those words and these photos Gillian meant the world to him. Now if he could just find the words he wanted to say to her all of the waiting would be worth it.

The next morning when Gillian arrived at work she found a very expensive bottle of pinot noir on her desk along with a note. It read

'You called me sexy.'

Ok so not the greatest words Cal thought as he slipped the bottle onto her desk but they would have to do until he could find the right ones.


	7. Saved

He opened his eyes and there she was. His angel, concern all over her beautiful features. He was so happy to see her. Everything would be alright now that Gillian was here. He was glad Emily had her to rely on at moments like this. Cal had never actually discussed naming Gillian as his emergency contact but he figured Emily was too young. Besides, other than his daughter there was no other face in the whole world he would want to open his eyes to after an accident.

Sending Ilene away was survival, sending Emily to get tea was common sense. He needed to be alone with Gillian so she could see he was ok and his normal grouchy self and to include her in his plan to figure what the hell was going on. She knew he was fine the moment he began bossing her and Emily around. Any hopes she had of him leaving this alone were dashed so she resigned herself to helping, though she would rather he take it easy.

"Wish you'd hit your head harder."

"I heard that!"

After he had discharged himself Cal tried to call Gillian. He wanted her to sit with him. A brush with death had made him feel vulnerable and he needed her arms to feel alright again. He wanted to feel her hands stroking his head, be held by her, open his eyes to her face instead of the woman he was convinced was trying to hurt him. Emily was right of course. Cal being Cal, he would have eventually turned the talk to work or possibly more dangerously tried to make love to Gillian. A cheque he knew at the moment his body couldn't cash, so it was probably best that Emily had taken charge. He was so happy in the morning to find her there, even if the first person he had seen was Loker. It was slightly strange too. The usual freedom they had in his home wasn't there because he knew she would never be that unprofessional in front of Loker and Torres. Still it took all of his effort not to chase her around his kitchen island, pin her against the refrigerator, as he had so many times before, and kiss her until she melted into his arms.

Emily spent that night with a friend after Cal convinced Gillian to stay.

"I have a serious head injury luv. You wouldn't want that on your conscience now would ya?"

She was there the following night when he broke into the Clarke's apartment keeping her eye on him, hoping to keep him out of trouble. That's where she always was. By his side, more and more each passing day. At Cal's request and Emily's insistence Gillian had brought some of her things into their home so she could stay easily. Usually Cal went over to Gillian's so they could be free to touch each other and hold each other without making Emily uncomfortable but the last few weeks they had grown even closer. After opening up to Gillian following his stay in the mental hospital Cal had found it much easier to lean on her after his accident. She had been welcomed into their family with open arms and it had surprised all of them how easy the transition had been. Gillian had a calming influence on the Lightmans acting as a sounding board for both father and daughter. Emily had shown Gillian the photo album before her father and Gillian had convinced her to talk again to her Dad about Mexico. When Emily hadn't gotten a straight answer from him she went to upstairs to find Gillian to beg her to 'talk some sense into him!'

"Oi!" Cal yelled from the bottom of the stairs. "Don't go running to Gill because I said no!"

As the words left his mouth his annoyance dissipated replaced by a smile. This was an everyday family situation. Dad said no, so daughter would try the other family members. It made him happy to think they were that close, even if they were ganging up on him. He longed for this to be a permanent situation but was afraid if he pushed things he would ruin them. Maybe he should wait just a little while longer….


	8. Gone

Cal waited in the car for Gillian to come out of the Bradley house. When she did she looked hopeful.

"Everything alright?" he asked as she climbed in the car beside him.

Gillian smiled at him knowing the question wasn't about the family inside but about her. She nodded but still processing her own feelings she chose to answer for Lane Bradley.

"He's dealing really well. They'll need time and counseling but he loves them all and they want to try."

Cal nodded. He started the car and backed down the drive. "It will be hard for a man like him. He's lost control of the whole situation. He's going to have to deal with the fact that the daughter he loves so much is not his."

"Not biologically." Gillian said looking out of the window at the house as they pulled away. "But as far as he's concerned Kimberley is his child and you'd be surprised how much people are willing to sacrifice to keep their children."

Cal mentally slapped himself.

"I'm sorry luv. I didn't mean to…"

She held out her hand but didn't look at him. "It's ok. You didn't."

The ride back to the Lightman group was a quiet one. Cal kicking himself for stirring up bad memories and Gillian lost in her own thoughts.

They pulled up in the parking lot of their building. Gillian went to get out of the car but Cal's hand on her leg stopped her.

"Can I come over tonight?" he asked.

Gillian smiled and nodded. "I'd like that."

Cal squeezed her leg and they headed inside together, back to business.

Later that evening.

"You left them alone!" Gillian was incredulous.

Cal smirked and deposited himself on her couch.

"They're good kids. They'll behave." He said.

Gillian sat next to him and touched her hand to his brow. She studied him closely.

"Ok where's the real Cal Lightman?"

Cal looked mock offended.

"Seriously? You left Emily and Liam at home alone and you're not even slightly concerned about what they're doing right now?"

"I'm more concerned about you." He said taking her hand.

"I'm fine." She replied.

Cal nodded "I know you are. I know that but I know you still think about her."

Gillian's breath hitched and sadness washed over her face. She looked at him half warning, half despair.

"I don't want to talk about it. I don't know how…"

Cal pulled her to him surrounding her in his embrace.

"I think you should try darlin'. "

He gently released her and watched her for a moment. She was fighting an internal war. Should she let go of these unresolved feelings she carried, and if she did would they overwhelm her?

Cal took her hand "I'm right here Gill."

She seemed reassured by this and she gave a small smile.

"I don't know where to start." She said. "Alec would never talk about it. Any of it. We never talked about why we couldn't get pregnant naturally, why the treatments didn't work, why we lost our baby. It tore us apart and I don't want to reopen old wounds. I don't want to put that stress on us."

Cal brushed his thumb across her cheeks to wipe away the tears that had fallen. He would have done anything at that moment to make her feel better. The sorrow in her eyes ripped at his heart.

"Do you ever think about trying again?" he asked.

Gillian shook her head, determination in her eyes.

Cal didn't have to ask why. He'd seen her in the days and weeks after they took Sophie. The day they took her baby back they took a piece of Gillian that had never healed. He knew that being hurt that way again was too much for her to contemplate.

He felt her straighten next to him. She took a deep breath and wiped away her remaining tears.

"I desperately wanted a child, and for so long that longing consumed my heart. I could never carry a child of my own and my chance of being a mother was taken away from me... Now, I have learned to accept that it just wasn't meant to be. And I'm ok with that…" Cal could see she was truthful even if the truth still hurt. Gillian smiled wistfully. "…But for the briefest of moments I was a mom. I was Sophie's mom. And it was wonderful."

Cal pulled her into his arms and held her. He kissed the top of her head wondering, not for the first time where this wonderful woman got her amazing inner strength. All of his life, all Cal had wanted was a normal family. It was the reason he had held onto Zoe for so long. He wanted Emily to have what he hadn't. He'd wanted an ideal. A mum, a dad and kids. No arguing, no violence, no hospitals, just people who loved each other and held onto that no matter what. Looking into Gillian's eyes he finally understood he'd had it all along. He knew that she and Emily were all the family he'd ever need. No more waiting….


	9. Killer app

Cal Lightman had never felt so helpless in his life. Seeing her standing at the end of that hall, looking so small and fragile. He felt like it took an eternity to reach her. Gillian, his Gillian covered in blood and traumatised. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close desperately wanting to take away her pain. At that moment the case took on a whole new level. Sod truth and justice, now it was revenge. Someone had hurt Gillian and that's when things got ugly. She was his life and anyone messing with that had better pray because this just got personal.

Waiting for Wallowski the irony was not lost on Cal as to how his and Gillian's roles had reversed. He fussed and fretted over her while she brooded and became surly. If it hadn't been in the middle of a crisis, Cal may have had more time to consider how perfect for each other this made them, taking on the others role so easily.

He watched her as she gave her statement at the police station and the feeling of helplessness returned. Her distress tore at his heart and made him feel useless until she turned to him and said

"…and then I called you."

The way she looked at him brought the fight rushing back into Cal. So certain, so trusting. All of her faith was in him and there was no way he was going to let her down. He would make Zack pay. His instincts wanted him to find Zack and beat him until he confessed but he knew that would never stand up in court. He knew he had to trick him into revealing his role in Claire's death, but he also knew he needed help with that. He was torn. He wanted to take Gillian home and wrap her cotton wool and protect her from the world. At the same time he was so proud when she refused to shrink back and he marvelled at her seemingly never ending reserve of inner strength.

Although they didn't get an outright confession they still got enough to get Zack charged and the plan Cal hatched to make him pay satisfied Gillian and therefore his need for revenge. In her office later Cal took her in his arms, silently telling her to lean on him. He wasn't sure how long they sat like that but it was getting dark. Occasionally Gillian had spoken, sharing memories of Claire but mostly they'd sat in silence just holding on to each other. Every now and again one of the staff would poke their worried head around the door but Cal would just wave them away. As the light in the room faded Cal knew his window of opportunity was fading with it. He wanted to see Zack, to ensure he knew how they intended to make him pay. Cal could feel his darker impulses rising in his chest until Gillian stirred in his arms. He kissed the top of her head.

"Come on luv." He said moving to stand up. He held out his hand and helped her from the couch.

"Let's get you home and into a nice hot bath."

Gillian managed a half smile and stepped into his arms.

"Thank you." She mumbled into his chest.

Cal squeezed her tighter glad of any small way he could make her feel better.

He stayed with her while she bathed and helped her into bed insisting she rest. Her exhausted body fighting with her emotional brain until she final succumbed to sleep. Cal watched her for a few moments. At rest she looked so innocent and that familiar pang of guilt resurfaced when he thought of everything she had been through. Not just tonight but over the years he had known her. She'd survived an alcoholic father, infertility, the loss of her child, the breakdown of her marriage. She'd been attacked, threatened, beaten and emotionally wounded not least by Cal himself. But amazingly she had come through it all and more importantly was still by his side. He kissed her and ran his hand down her cheek. First he would take care of Zack and when he got back he would make sure she knew just how much she meant to him.

When he returned from the prison he checked on Gillian but she was still asleep. He went back downstairs to find a glum looking Emily. Discovering the reason for her sadness Cal had to admit to himself that she was no longer a child, no matter how much he wished for it, but a mature young woman with a very sensible head on her shoulders. She was also very much her father's daughter, probing for information that ordinarily wouldn't be forthcoming.

"I have a question."

"What's that look mean?"

"Gillian….do you love her?"

"Course I do darlin. Course I love her."

"No I mean _**really**_ love her?"

"Yeah."

"Well then what are you waiting for?"

"I don't have an answer for that one luv."

He pulled his daughter into a hug and held her tightly. What was he waiting for? He had so many answers for that question, so many excuses, but the more he thought the more insignificant they became.

Emily's words lingered in his head as he climbed the stairs to bed. When he entered the bedroom Gillian stirred and began to wake. Cal removed his clothes and climbed into bed wrapping himself around her.

"Shh. It's ok. Everything's alright. Go back to sleep." He soothed.

"What time is it?" she asked sleepily rolling over to face him.

"Late." He answered.

He watched her for a moment wondering if now was the right time. She was definitely awake enough for a serious conversation but emotionally she probably wasn't in the best state of mind. There was also a glint in her eye that Cal wasn't about to ignore. He completely understood her desire. He'd felt it many times before. Being close to death gave you the need to feel alive. She reached out her hand and scratched at the stubble along his jaw. Moving lower she traced the skin on his chest and down his torso. Cal groaned as she reached her intended destination, stroking and caressing. Leaving one hand where it was with the other she pulled his face to hers kissing him desperately. Her legs clutched at his tangling herself around him. Still entwined she pushed him on to his back and positioned her body over his. She nuzzled her face into his neck kissing and nipping at the skin leaving behind tell-tale purple marks. He surrendered to her completely, giving her exactly what she needed. Their love making was fast and frenzied confirming to both of them that they were very much alive and in each other's arms.


	10. Epilogue

"Cal?"

Her voice pulled him from his thoughts.

"You ok?" she asked "You've been distracted all evening."

Cal rolled over in bed and looked into the eyes of the woman next to him. "I'm fine luv. Just something Emily said."

"Care to share?"

Cal thought for a moment as Emily's words echoed again. What was he waiting for?

He reached out and ran his hand up his lovers body, admiring her naked form before touching her face.

"She asked me if I loved you."

Gillian smiled, the answer written across his face. Even though they had been in a romantic relationship for the past few months, she still found the word love coming from Cal's lips and directed at her hard to believe.

"And what did you tell her?"

"The truth."

Gillian knew the truth. It was in the way he held her, how he looked at her, the words he used but she could also sense unease in him. She recognised that look in his eye. It appeared every time things became emotionally complicated. It was his fight or flight response and it scared her. She could see he was wrestling with something.

He had been strange for a while. More than days it was over a week now. She could actually pin point the exact time. It was after he had visited Zack in prison. Something had changed. He had been nothing short of wonderful during the whole Claire episode, especially that night when he got back from the jail (not that they'd done much talking!) but the next morning he had barely spoken. As the days went on he became distracted. They still shared a bed. He still kissed her goodnight and she still woke up in his arms but they didn't talk anymore. She tried not to over-react as it had only been a week, but her psychology training recognized this as distancing behaviour.

"You're afraid." She said

"Of course I'm afraid." He answered honestly.

Gillian sat up covering herself with the bed sheet and wrapping her arms around her body. Cal recognised the comforting gesture and could see her fear. Oh crap he'd freaked her out. There was no way out of this now. He would have to explain his behaviour. This was it.

He sat up facing her. "It wasn't supposed to be like this…" he began

"What?"

Cal continued "You deserve better. I wanted this to be perfect for you….Everything should be perfect for you."

Gillian's heart began to pound in her chest. Was he having second thoughts about them? She had thought they were past the 'she was too good for him crap'. So much had changed in the last few months and she had never been stronger or happier since they had crossed that line. They had broken down barriers and she felt she had finally reached him. They had both given themselves in a way they never had before. Had she been wrong? Had she built this into something it wasn't? She knew he loved her, but love and Cal Lightman were a tricky thing. Had she been so naïve as to think that this was it? That they would get their happily ever after? She felt tears prick her eyes.

Cal was so caught up in what he was trying to say he failed to notice Gillian's panic.

"I want to do this right and I'm bloody scared out of my mind because…well look at you…and look at me. I'm…and you're…"

"Cal you're scaring me."

Cal ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

"Oh bloody 'ell…That's not what I…I'm trying to…Christ!...Marry me?

It came out a little more desperate than he would have liked but at least he'd managed to say the words. He searched her face looking for his answer. He only found confusion. After what seemed like an hour of silence, when Gillian was convinced she had misheard him, she managed to say

"What?"

Cal took her hands in his.

"I've been trying to do this for a while now but I wanted it to be perfect for you. I thought of all sorts of ways to make it special. I was going to take you to Paris or cover your desk in rose petals but nothing seemed right. Nothing was good enough to let you know how much I love you and how much I want you to be my wife."

Gillian sighed with relief and swallowed hard to remove the lump from her throat.

"So you're not trying to break up with me then?"

"God no! What gave you that idea! Far from it. I've been trying to find a way to bring us closer, permanently."

Gillian smiled, the confusion replaced by hope. "All you have to do is ask."

Cal grinned. "Yeah?"

Gillian nodded. Cal moved to take her in his arms but he stopped. This had to be done properly. Their track record for spoke for itself. He held up a finger to signal that she would have to wait just a moment longer. He jumped off the bed and reached into the pocket of his jacket that was draped over a chair.

"Been carrying this around for a while." He said moving back to her holding out a small blue box.

No more waiting, this was it.

He opened the box revealing a beautiful diamond ring.

"Gillian, I love you. Will you marry me?"

He knew her answer before she said it but he was still relieved when she nodded furiously and whispered "Yes."

Cal removed the ring from its case and slipped it on to her finger, kissing her with every ounce of love in his body.

They lay back on the bed, side by side as Gillian admired her ring. She took his hand in hers and kissed it. Turning her body to face his she said

"For the record, that was perfect."

They wrapped their bodies around each other and shared several loving kisses.

Whatever happened next in his life this would be the moment he would cherish. Everything they had been through together, every cross word or missed opportunity had been worth it. He had never been a patient man and it had taken a long time to get here, but some things were definitely worth the wait.


End file.
